But the world can’t hold it’s breath forever. Time will begin again.

I don’t want to move on yet. It is still time to reflect. A life lived. A life loved. A life not to be forgotten. And when the world inhales again, I hope I am capable of carrying even a small part of the flame that was your life, and can pass that light forward.

Wonder more. See more. Love more. Sarah is in all of us.

I made a short mixtape for the rainy summer Vancouver is having. Download here: http://www.mediafire.com/?mlsdllo5tr6dvpt

Tracklisting:

Staple Singers – Hammer and Nails

Corinna – Taj mahal

City of Electric Light – Chad VanGaalen

Ronald Regan Era – Kendrick Lamar

2Pac – If I Die 2Night

Dear Prudence – The Beatles

I’m afraid to die. I have been afraid my whole life. The fear is the same at 29 as it was at 10. Waves of anxiety wash over my body, my chest tightens up and my breathing gets fast. I’m instantly paralyzed. The only coping mechanism I’ve developed is to think of something else, to avoid dealing with the anxiety. If I face it straight on it just gets worse. I want to grasp the minutes and hold on, but it’s impossible. Every moment feels fleeting.

I always thought that I’d grow out of this, that it’s something I’d come to terms with, but that’s clearly not an option. This anxiety is a carry-on bag that’s barely fits in the overhead bin, yet i don’t know what it contains. If I die with this fear, it will be the most beautiful irony of my life. I will be forced to step across death’s threshold with a bag I could never open.

Most people prefer to brush off my anxiety. It’s more comfortable to label it as a childish complex. Dismissals come from those who haven’t been touched by the other side of the abyss. It could have been me, it would be more childish to brush it off.

Carrying this baggage is part of what has made me. It made me thirst for knowledge, crave deep friendship and connection, despise being idle. It makes me live. That which gives, also takes away.

DON’T: look like this idiot. He looks like a 4 year old playing cops and robbers. I guess with 4 year old logic covering your nose would make you invisible, but it might be a bit of a different scenario when you’re trying to explain that to a judge at 25.

DO: bring the bravest midget in Vancouver. He’s a psychological weapon against the police to make them feel guilty for shit kicking the physical equivalent of  a 5th grader.

DON’T: loot a major department store when you’re fat as shit. It makes running from the cops extra hard. I know because you’re wearing camouflage you thought you’d get away with it, but there’s no way you won’t get caught on camera when you’re the size of a baby hippo.
[spoiler]

DO: defend your business at any cost. I don’t care if all your windows are smashed out and all you’ve got is a hockey stick to defend yourself with, don’t back down. It’s the size of the fight in the dog that matters, and this guy is a pit-bull in a yorkshire terrier’s body.

DO: seize the opportunity to get a Facebook profile picture.

DO: train before the riot to ensure you’re in prime physical condition. This guy obviously watched the Karate Kid a lot.

DON’T: bring your Coach bag to the riot. I know you brought it from home, but it really puts your lawyer in an awkward position when he has to explain to the jury why you have a womens handbag. And for future reference, the handbag/no shirt/scarf combo is quite emasculating. (Photo credit: Kyle Hamilton)

DO: practice holding up placards across your chest. Because that license plate is about to be exchanged for an inmate number. (Photo credit: Kyle Hamilton)

DO: hang out with this guy. He makes everyone else look like a pussy. (Photo credit: Kyle Hamilton)

[/spoiler]

I believe in you. It’s words rare to hear, but when I say it I truly mean it. I’ve told you before, you’ve heard it from others, and I will say it again. When our hands and mind are tired, we all need to hear it. I believe in you.

I know I can’t carry you on my back when you’re down, because that’s not the way forward. But if I could I would.

I know the labour of today will be replaced with thought tomorrow. And the time traded today with be refunded with freedom. I know you’re about to have enough for that first down payment, the one that lets you paint the house any color you want, to let the weeds in the front yard grow tall, and for the neighbors to wonder who moved in.

Even if it’s a small step, it’s forward.  If it’s only one breath, you’re living. And sometimes that’s all you can do, live. But remember, you’re on one. If you doubt it, I’m standing by your side.

It started with one step, which wasn’t a step at all. Selling my snowmobile was a mental shift more than the trade of a product for money. In that moment, much of what I had known as a skier was gone.

The next step was physical. It began with walking. Walking changed my skiing. This year was the purest time in the mountains I’ve ever had. I skied when and how I wanted. We didn’t rush to get the shot, we stopped for lunch, we appreciated the moments. Skiing became mine again.

My legs carried me. I learned new spots. Like always, we had great days and we had miserable days, but this year represented one of the biggest growth curves I’ve ever experienced. I learned new mountains, went new places and met new people. I took it all in. My experience in the mountains was new again.

Initially I was unsure about selling my snowmobile, but now I know it was the right choice. My time in the mountains was incomparable to experiences before, and I wouldn’t change a thing. Here’s to this winter. Thank you.

I made a mixtape of some of the tracks I’ve been running as of late. You can grab it here:

May Flowers Mix by Anthony Boronowski / AB Creative

Track list:

Drop – Earl Sweatshirt

Turn the Page – The Streets

Me and the Devil – Gil Scott-Heron

Hoist That Rag – Tom Waits

Dramamine – Modest Mouse

The Island Of Children S Child – Mum

Chosen One – Smog

This song by Jay-Z represents everything I love about hip hop. The hustle, the flow, digging in and digging deep. You can feel it in Jay. It’s truth. Real shit. It hits you in the soul and it holds on, like a roadside car crash, you can’t help but look away. This thing has been on heavy rotation in my home, turn your speakers up loud, get motivated and go get yours. Don’t look back.

On the note of Jay. I just copped his new book, Decoded. Amazing stuff. Buy, borrow or steal that thing. Jay’s an amazing storyteller and it’s intriguing to peer inside the mind of a man like that. It’s not always easy going, and life wasn’t any different to Jay. The hustle and word of Jay cemented a couple things that have been floating around in my head. Jay says:

“The gift that Jordan had wasn’t just that he was willing to do the work, but he loved doing it, because he could feel himself getting stronger, ready for anything.” And don’t take Jay’s word for it. Jordan will tell it to you straight.

And almost in a circular fashion this post links up with this older post about talent. But this is about getting yours. Believing in yourself when no one else does, no matter what your path is. Academics, arts, sports, whatever. Hustle, head down, all day, everyday.